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Below are the 11 most recent journal entries.


  2004.04.06  15.34
Trapped in paradise

Lover lover let's pretend
We're born as innocents
Cast into the world
With apple eyes

To wish wish dangerous
My dear delirious
To try and leave
The rest of us behind

Shot full of diamonds
And a million years
The disappointed disappear
Like they were never here

Kiss kiss all of this
The hiss that we had missed
And understand what can't be understood

Sear those thoughts of me
Alone and unhappy
I never liked me anyway

If by chance
Or circumstance
We should fail
Don't be too sad

Shot full of diamonds
And a million years
The disappointed disappear
Like they were never here

In a dream
We are connected
Siamese twins
At the wrist

And then I knew we'd been forsaken
Expelled from paradise
I can't believe them
When they say that it's alright

Words can't define what I feel inside
Who needs them?

Caught with this virus of my mind
I give in to my disease, of my needs
To my disease, of my needs

She really loves to break
Her dad says its OK
She really loves to break
And give it all away

Her ma says she's afraid
What more can she fake
She really needs to break
And give herself away

She gave it all away
She gave it all away
She gave it all away
We really love the USA


  2004.03.31  15.37
My love was once so beautiful, but now i'm ugly

I don't look in the mirror. I dont like what i see staring back at me.

"Let it go then," she found her self saying almostr in spite of herself. She had meant to be wuite firm about it. They drank again without speaking, and she went to the apartment on the floor above.

There, she now remembered distinctly, she had taken the letter out of her purse before she set the purse out to dry.

She had sat down and read the letter over and over again: but there were phrases that insisted on being read many times, for they had a life of their own seperate from others, and when she tried to read past and around them, they moved with the movement of her eyes, and she could not escape them � "thinking about you more than i mean to � yes, I even talk about you � why were you so anxious to destroy � even if i could see you now i would not � not worth all this abominable � the end �"

Carefully she tore the letter into narrow strips and touched a lighted match to them in the coal grate.

In this moment she felt thatshe had been robbed of an enormous number of valuble things, whether material or intangible: things lost or broken by her own fault, things she had forgotten anfd left in houses when she moved: books borrowed from her and not returned, journeys she had planned and not yet made, words she had waited to hear spoken to her and had not heard, and the words she had meant to answer with; bitter alternatives and intolerable substitutes worse than nothing, and yet inescapable: the long patient suffering of dying friendships and the dark inexplicable death of love - all that she had had, and all that she missed were lost together, and were twice lost in this landslide of remembered losses.

She laid the purse on the table and sat down witht he cup of chilled coffee, and thought: I was right to not be afraid of any thief but myself, who will end by leaving me nothing.


The art of losing isn't hard to master
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that is their own disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, and the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where is was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of 3 houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master

I lost 2 cities, lovely ones. and, vaster,
some realms i owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

-even losing you
i shan't have lied. it's evident
the art of losing's not too hard ot master
Though it may look like, like disaster.


  2004.03.30  23.03
Wow i keep forgetting about this little thingy.

one more thing before i go to bed.

...however you need me i will be there

Mood: just a tiny bit better

  2004.03.25  10.07

So in the past 3 days i have probably written a good number of poems, or just emotions expressed on paper. They all mean something, but they all seem to suck ass. Only 2 really seem to stand out so here they are.

First. Lyrics to a song that is currently with without lyrics. All about blowing up Medina high school


Chldren Die, Children Die
We all burned them in a fire
Children Die, Children Die
Won’t you please save my baby tonight?

...and I’ll help you find your god
if you help me find my dog
...and we destroy the sacred relics
For a brief on basic heretics

Let all the restless hours of boredom
Lead you to some meaning of truth
Let all the wasted prosperity
Lead you through some meaningless youth

Drinking Mercury and bittersweet lyme
Lie dead actors faking lines
Without apprehension of sublime death
Without a moment for a final breath

Children Die; And the rain shall fall
We all burn; as we topple to the earth
Children Die; In grace, In style
And the ash will leave the world snow blind.

and another one about death

One Day I Stopped Breathing

We all smile as the toaster smoke flares,
And as our house burns the people just stare,
And I ponder nothing more than dead weight,
So gas, cut, and remove the excess space,

Asleep we lay a chaos resumed
The full collapse of stability and doom
Death took me by the hand, the sickle too me by the wrist,
A mere butterfly fails to escape the massive talons grip,

In the shadows, in the fall, of my empire of thorns,
Orange and blue will crush, all you can expect of the world,
I shall become the face hidden beneath the leaves,
Between the wicked scarecrow, and the lonesome tree,

And lying so close, we shall sleep alone forever.

All the other were about love and seemed to corny or pathetic to even get a second or third read through. Maybe i just dont understand love like i thought i once did

Mood: artistic

  2004.03.24  19.57
If i only meant to blame you... It would all have been so much easier

do you think i do everything i do just for attention?
I'm starting to.
and so i continue...

the glove compartment isn’t accurately named
and everybody knows it.
so i’m proposing a swift orderly change.

cause behind its door there’s nothing to keep my fingers warm
and all i find are souvenirs from better times
before the gleam of your taillights fading east
to find yourself a better life.

i was searching for some legal document
as the rain beat down on the hood
when i stumbled upon pictures i tried to forget
and that’s how this idea was drilled into my head

cause it’s too important
to stay the way it’s been

there’s no blame for how our love did slowly fade
and now that it’s gone it’s like it wasn’t there at all
and here i rest where disappointment and regret collide
lying awake at night

there’s no blame for how our love did slowly fade
and now that it’s gone it’s like it wasn’t there at all
and here i rest where disappointment and regret collide
lying awake at night (up all night)
when i’m lying awake at night.

Mood: mental breakdown

  2004.03.23  22.15
There's no sex in your violence

... and i was thinking' why do i need to put an entry on friends only when the people i want to read it have access to this little failure that might be brought up again. '

So yeah. here i am. I'm alive and i forogt what it was to be happy. to be truly slaphappy and fucking fun just for the hell of it. And i destroyed that side of me on purpose, but i think thats its time to bring him back.

You made me quit so i was thinking maybe, since it made me feel good last time i guess i could do it sparingly. So how bout for every time you drink, I'll light up. So yeah, we hurt each other just the same now, but i think i might have some catching up to do.

Tonight i remembered what happiness was.

Mood: hopeful

  2004.02.03  22.05



  2004.01.24  01.06

I was waiting for a cross-town train in the london underground
When it struck me that i've been waiting since birth to find
A love that would look and sound like a movie so i changed
My plans and rented a camera and a van and then i called you
"i need you to pretend that we are in love again" and you agreed to

I want so badly to believe that "there is truth, that love is real"
And i want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd
I greased the lens and framed the shot using a friend as my stand-in
The script it called for rain but it was clear that day so we faked it
The marker snapped and i yelled "quiet on the set"
And then called "action!"
And i kissed you in a stye that clark gable would have admired
(i thought it classic)

I want so badly to believe that "there is truth, that love is real"
And i want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd
I know you're wise beyond your years, but do you ever get the fear
That your perfect verse is just a lie you tell yourself to help you get by?

Mood: anxious

  2004.01.22  19.25

do i have use for this?


  2004.01.19  19.21
light's out

yes indeed this is eric.

never got the true use that i wanted out of this thing but now that my other one seems to be frozen for a time, this one will come in hand now.

will anyone read this? chances are not until there is a stray visitor whether known or unknown, but i just need to get some shit down.

Now i fell as though i have fucked my life up more completely than ever before.

you won't give me the time of day (in my mind) just as i crumble down to my own little world.

i guess that faking moving on, to prove to myself my own stregnth dosent really fix the problem. It only made her forget about me and then me wallow in my own self pity.

without my precious other journal i will now be escaping boredom by changing my damned journal

Mood: melancholy

  2003.09.23  20.25
snafu part 2

welcome to the real world...